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DOJ Blocks InBev’s Acquisition of Grupo Modelo

February 1, 2013

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Man, has it been an interesting time for legal battles in the beer industry recently. You’ll remember my recent post on the continued fight for exclusive rights to the name “Budweiser”. Well InBev is back in the news as of yesterday as the U.S. Department of Justice has filed a lawsuit attempting to stop their acquisition of the 50% share in Grupo Modelo that they don’t currently own. As you’ve probably realized, in the U.S., the market for beer has become completely dominated by the two biggest players (InBev and MillerCoors). Grupo Modelo is the third largest beer maker riding the wave of Corona’s growing success. The DOJ has concluded that this type of consolidation would seriously diminish competition in the industry shifting power further towards InBev in terms of market share, pricing power, and control over new product offerings. Like any legal circumstance of this magnitude, I am sure the news from yesterday is only the beginning of a long and complicated battle. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the circumstances and don’t pretend to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Luckily for all of us, field correspondent for the Nobler Experiment, Timmy, was present and feverishly recording notes at a secret meet-up between the three parties. Below is his detailed account, although in fairness, he did mention he had a number of Bud Light Platinums and Corona Lights before recording…Hope you enjoy. Happy Friday!

SOMEWHERE OFF THE CENTRAL AMERICAN COAST (The Nobler Experiment) –

InBev: Halo

Grupo Modelo: Hola

InBev: There’s something I’ve got to tell you…

Grupo: Si?

InBev: I’ve been watching you for years. You’ve got a great thing going on here in Central America and you’ve really impressed me with the way you’ve made your presence felt in North America, especially the US.

Grupo: JAJAJA, Si!

InBev: I don’t know if you know this or not, but I too know a thing or two about those Americans. A fickle bunch, but tell them to do something crazy with their beer and they’re like putty in your hands.

Grupo: Si, los limones?

InBev: Exactly. We even convinced some of those redneck fellas to put salt directly into their beer. Can you believe that?

Grupo: JAJAJA! Gringos, ¿me equivoco?

InBev: You got it! So listen, let’s cut to the chase here. I want you to join the team. Together we can take over the world and teach those Americans a thing or two about capitalism.

Grupo: Hmmm. Ganar más dinero?

InBev: Mas dinero!

Enter the Department of Justice wearing a Dane Cook tour tshirt, bermuda shorts with black socks and a pair of wraparound oakleys.

DOJ: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s the big idea? Who invited you two jerks!

DOJ extends a hand for a handshake. As soon as Grupo Modelo goes to shake it, DOJ pulls away.

DOJ: Too slow Amigo. (To InBev) Sheesh, I thought they were all Speedy Gonzales? Booyah!

InBev: Alright, alright. What do you want DOJ?

DOJ: Relax my man I’m just getting some sun and making sure America’s always number 1. You feel me?

InBev/Grupo: ….

DOJ: But seriously, nerds. What’s this I hear about you two trying to gang up on the bros of America? You think that’s gonna fly on my watch?

InBev: You’ve got it all wrong DOJ. We’re not “ganging up” as you say. Just trying to join forces to run a more efficient business.

DOJ: Efficient? What’s that french? Never heard of it.

Grupo smacks forehead.

DOJ: But seriously. This shit ain’t happening on my watch. You think I’m going to let you two run a train on ol America? Hell no, and that’s the bottom line because…

InBev: Please stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

DOJ grabs InBev’s hand and starts smacking InBev in the face with it

DOJ: Well at least I’m not the one hitting myself.

InBev: Enough! Grupo, I can’t do this. Let’s table this for now and revisit it once DOJ is distracted by the next episode of 2 1/2 Men.

Grupo: Convenido

InBev and Grupo Modelo both shake hands and begin to walk away.

DOJ: Later losers. Looks like the USA just won another war!

DOJ hops in an iRoc Z and peels out. American beer drinkers chug a thousand beers and puke all over a box of cold Wendy’s french fries.

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